Unlocking the Bedroom Door: Open Talks on Sexual Wellbeing.
- Patricia Maris
- Dec 6, 2024
- 12 min read
Reading Time: 11' 14"
Word Count: 2,809
I. Introduction to Sexual Wellbeing
In the world of relationships, nothing is quite as intimate exhilarating, yet often misunderstood as our sexual desires. Renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel once said, "The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives." This truth applies to all facets of a relationship, including our sexual interactions.
Yet, many of us struggle to discuss our needs, desires, and boundaries in the bedroom. This silence stems from various sources: societal stigma, personal insecurities, fear of judgment or rejection, lack of self-understanding, or lack of communication skills.
As a top-tier wellness coach, I believe in the power of a WHOLE-istic approach to wellbeing. Let me tell you a secret –no matter how many green smoothies you drink, miles you run, or hours you meditate, nothing will elevate your state of wellbeing like embracing an all-encompassing perspective. It's about nurturing not just your body but also your mind, heart, and soul. It's about balance, harmony, and integration. It's about seeing yourself as a complete, interconnected whole.
Now, onto the nitty-gritty. Overcoming the hurdles that stand between you and this elevated state requires a trifecta of courage, self-awareness, and open-mindedness. Here are some strategies to help you navigate these conversations:
Educate Yourself: Learn about sensual and sexual wellbeing, desires, and consent. Knowledge empowers and reduces uncertainty.
Self-reflection: I can't stress enough the importance of self-reflection when it comes to your sexual desires and boundaries. But let me sprinkle in a bit of wisdom here - your sexuality is your own private business, and it's as unique as your fingerprint. It's not a trend to follow or a bandwagon to fit in. It's a deeply personal aspect of who you are. So before you open up about it to someone else, spend some time understanding your own sexuality. Know what makes you tick, your boundaries, and what you truly desire. This self-awareness is the first step towards a fulfilling and authentic sexual life.
Choose the Right Time and Place: Discussing sexual desires shouldn't be done in the heat of the moment but rather at a time when both parties can focus and engage constructively.
Use "I" Statements: Speak from your perspective to avoid sounding accusatory.
Practice Active Listening: Show empathy and understanding, even if you don't share the same desires.
II. What Turns You On?
Brace yourself for a tantalisings list of 8 seemingly ordinary things that often light the spark of arousal. But before you start questioning your sanity or wondering if you're 'normal', let me drop a little wisdom on you. In the lush garden of desire, even the so-called weeds can add a unique charm. So, fret not! Everyone's garden is distinct; what tickles your fancy might differ from what stirs others. Embrace your individuality, and remember, there's simply no one-size-fits-all when it comes to turn-ons.😜
Visual Stimuli: Sight is a powerful sense of sexual arousal. This can range from the appearance of a partner, their body parts, or the way they dress. The brain processes these visuals and often generates a sexual response.
Touch: Physical contact, whether holding hands, caressing, or more intimate touch, can stimulate the release of oxytocin, a hormone linked to bonding and sexual arousal.
Smell: Certain scents can be arousing due to their association with a person or a particular memory. Pheromones, natural body scents, may also play a role in sexual attraction.
Sound: From a partner's voice to the sounds they make during intimacy, hearing can be a potent sexual stimulant. Music can also set the mood and create an intimate atmosphere.
Emotional Connection: For many, emotional intimacy is a significant turn-on. Feeling loved, appreciated, and connected can enhance sexual desire. (More of this in our Sexual Wellbeing Module)
Fantasy: Sexual fantasies can be a powerful source of arousal. They allow the exploration of desires and scenarios that may not occur in real life.
Confidence: Confidence in oneself and one's body can be beautiful and arousing. It promotes openness and authenticity, which can lead to more satisfying sexual experiences.
Novelty: New experiences, positions, or locations can be exciting and sexually stimulating. Novelty can help prevent sexual routines from becoming mundane.
Your turn. What turns you on?
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Understanding what turns you on can enhance your sexual experiences. However, it's essential to ensure all activities are consensual, respectful, and within the boundaries set by all involved parties. Open communication about turn-ons can lead to deeper intimacy and more satisfying sexual relationships.
III. What Sexual Fantasies Do I Have?
Sexual fantasies are a completely normal and integral aspect of human sexuality. They not only amplify our sexual experiences but also allow us to delve deeper into our desires, contributing significantly to personal growth. As a wellness strategist and an author with two published books on sexuality, I've delved into countless case studies and surveys. The result is a comprehensive compilation of the most prevalent sexual fantasies among both men and women.
Common Sexual Fantasies for Men:
Threesomes: This fantasy often involves novelty and excitement. It's about more than just physical pleasure; it's also about validation and feeling desired by multiple partners.
Prostitution Fantasies: Some men fantasise about encounters that are solely focused on their pleasure, without emotional strings attached.
Role-Play: Enacting different scenarios or characters can add a layer of excitement and novelty to sexual experiences.
Desiring the Forbidden: Fantasies about "off-limits" individuals can be enticing because they represent the taboo.
Sex in Exotic Locations: The thrill of novelty and the risk of getting caught can heighten arousal.
Dominance/Submission: Power dynamics can be exciting and arousing for some men.
Voyeurism: Watching others engage in sexual acts can be a turn-on for some men, as it allows them to be spectators to forbidden scenes.
Romantic Sex: Despite stereotypes, many men fantasise about having passionate, romantic sex with someone they love deeply.
Common Sexual Fantasies for Women:
Romantic Sex: Many women fantasise about passionate, romantic sex with emotional depth.
Novelty/Adventure: Like men, women also fantasise about sex in new or exotic locations.
Dominance/Submission: Some women enjoy fantasies of submission or dominance, which can involve power play or BDSM elements.
Exhibitionism: Being watched or desired can be a turn-on for some women.
Voyeurism: Watching others engage in sexual acts can also be arousing for women.
Threesomes or Group Sex: These fantasies can revolve around the excitement of multiple partners and heightened attention.
Being Desired: Many women fantasise about being irresistibly desired by their partner.
Taboo or Forbidden Sex: Fantasies about "off-limits" individuals or scenarios can be exciting due to their taboo nature.
Fantasies can serve various purposes, from exploring desires to overcoming past trauma. They allow people to visualise scenarios they wouldn't necessarily want in real life. Understanding and communicating about these fantasies can lead to greater sexual satisfaction and personal growth. However, it's essential always to ensure consent, respect, and comfort when exploring fantasies with a partner.
IV. What Am I Curious About Esploring Sexually?
When exploring your sexuality, consider the following thought-provoking questions. These are designed to help you better understand your desires, fantasies, curiosities, and fetishes and navigate your sexual journey in a healthy, consensual, and satisfying way.
Desires: What do you desire the most in your intimate relationships? What turns you on? How comfortable are you expressing these desires to your partner?
Fantasies: What fantasies do you have? Are they strictly for your imagination, or would you like to explore them in real life?
Curiosities: What aspects of sexuality are you curious about? Are there any new experiences or practices that you'd like to explore?
Fetishes: Do you have any specific fetishes? How do they influence your sexual experiences and relationships?
Personal Growth: How has your understanding of your own sexuality evolved over time? How do you envision it growing in the future?
Emotional Connections: How do emotional connections influence your sexual experiences? How important is emotional intimacy to your sexual satisfaction?
Power Dynamics: How do power dynamics affect your sexual interactions? Are there specific roles or dynamics that you find particularly exciting or fulfilling?
Cultural Influences: How has your cultural background influenced your understanding and expression of sexuality? Are there any cultural norms or expectations that you feel conflict with your personal desires?
Remember, these questions are meant to guide your exploration and self-reflection, not to put pressure or judgment on your experiences or preferences. Your sexuality is unique to you, and it's essential to communicate openly, build trust, and maintain consent in all sexual interactions.
Always remember that exploring your sexuality should be an empowering, respectful, and enjoyable journey. It's a space for personal growth and discovery, and it's essential to approach it with an open mind and heart.
V. What Are My Rigid Boundaries In Sexual Situations?
Picture this. You're back at the beginning of your relationship, where every touch was electrifying, every glance was tantalising, and every moment brimmed with novelty. Now, imagine bringing back that spark, that sense of exploration, that thrill of discovering each other anew. Yes, it's possible, and it starts with understanding your sexual boundaries.
These boundaries aren't just lines drawn in the sand. They're the contours of your comfort zone, the roadmap to your pleasure, and the secret ingredients to your satisfaction. Exploring them isn't about pushing limits; it's about understanding what makes you tick, turns you on, and brings you closer to your partner.
1. Self-Reflection: Spend time reflecting on your past experiences. What did you enjoy? What made you uncomfortable? This self-awareness can help you identify your current boundaries.
2. Open Communication: Be transparent with your partner about your boundaries. Clear communication can prevent misunderstandings and ensure both parties feel respected and comfortable.
3. Gradual Expansion: Pushing boundaries doesn't mean jumping into the deep end. Take small steps. Try new things you're curious about and gauge your comfort level and enjoyment.
4. Consent is Crucial: Consent is key in any sexual situation. Always ensure that you and your partner are comfortable trying something new. It's okay to say no at any point if something doesn't feel right.
5. Embrace the Journey: Exploring your sexuality is a personal journey. It's not about reaching a destination but about understanding yourself better. Enjoy the process of discovery.
6. Seek Professional Guidance: If you're finding it challenging to navigate your sexual boundaries, consider seeking help from a professional. Sex therapists can provide valuable tools and insights to guide your exploration.
Remember, exploring your sexual boundaries is a personal and ongoing process. It's about discovering what you enjoy and feel comfortable with, and it's okay for these boundaries to change over time. The goal is to have a satisfying and consensual experience that respects your limits and your partner's.
Sexual Wellbeing, Open Communication, Holistic Wellness, Relationship Therapy, Self-Awareness, Active Listening, Sexual Boundaries, Sexual Desires, Holistic Health, Sexual Education
VI. How Important Is Sex In My Overall Life Satisfaction?
I firmly believe that understanding one's sexual needs and desires plays a critical role in an individual's overall life satisfaction. Sexuality is not an isolated aspect of our lives; it intertwines with our emotions, self-perception, relationships, and personal growth.
Sexual behaviours and preferences are unique to each individual. What brings pleasure, confidence, and happiness to one may not resonate with another. Recognising this variance is critical to understanding and accepting our sexual selves. It is crucial to differentiate between societal or external expectations and our authentic desires. By acknowledging what truly makes us feel confident and happy in our sexual experiences, we can foster a healthier, more satisfying sexual life.
Delving deeper into our sexual history and experiences allows us to better understand our desires, fears, and boundaries. This introspection can lead to improved communication about sex with our partners, enhancing intimacy and strengthening the emotional bond.
Open, honest discussions about sex can dispel misunderstandings, reduce anxiety, and create a safe space where both partners feel seen, heard, and respected.
On the other hand, a lack of fulfilment and satisfaction in our sexual lives can lead to psychological stress and frustration. Unmet sexual needs can cause feelings of rejection, inadequacy, and loneliness. If left unaddressed, these negative emotions can harm our mental and physical health, straining relationships and impairing our quality of life.
However, discovering sexual fulfilment can initiate a cascade of personal growth and self-realisation. When we understand and embrace our sexual selves, we experience a profound sense of authenticity. This self-acceptance can improve our self-esteem, body image, and emotional resilience, contributing to our overall wellbeing.
In conclusion, we advocate for a WHOLE-istic approach to sexuality that recognises its integral role in our lives. We encourage individuals to explore their sexual needs and desires, communicate openly with their partners, and seek professional guidance when needed. By doing so, we can all lead healthier, more satisfying lives.
Take the time to answer these questions honestly and without judgment. You might find it helpful to journal your thoughts. Remember, knowing yourself better will lead to more fulfilling sexual experiences and healthier relationships.
Conclusion
We all, at some point or another, know and feel that talking about your steamy desires, secret fantasies, and bedroom boundaries can be a bit like walking a tightrope – scary, exhilarating, and slightly overwhelming. But let me tell you, the rewards on the other side - a deeper bond, skyrocketing sexual satisfaction, and an emotional connection that's solid as a rock –are worth every bead of sweat and nervous giggle.
Need help figuring out where to start? No problem! It's cool to reach out to a therapist or counsellor, or better yet, hop on board with our e7Doctor Wellness Program's 'Sexual Wellbeing Module'. Trust me, these conversations will become less of a mountain and more of a molehill.
Feeling alone in this journey? Heck no! Our professionals are here to provide the support you need. And guess what? This module is brimming with exercises, and believe it or not, 18 minutes of Sexual Wellbeing practice, 5 days a week. Yep, you heard it right. We're talking about a five-day-a-week commitment to reignite that spark and bring sensuality and sexuality back into your life. So, are you ready to spice things up?
Two must-read books for you:
"Sex for The Third Age" by Patricia Maris is a groundbreaking book that addresses a topic often overlooked in our society: intimacy and sexual relations in our later years. Patricia Maris, a renowned author and advocate for healthy aging, brings her unique insights and expertise to this essential discussion.
The book explores the concept of maintaining and even improving one's sexual life as one age. It provides practical advice and guidance for couples, divorcees, and single men and women over 45. Maris emphasises that age should not be a barrier to enjoying a fulfilling sexual life, instead promoting awareness of new ways to live the best part of one's years.
What sets "Sex for The Third Age" apart from other books on the market is its comprehensive yet sensitive approach. Maris does not shy away from discussing the physical and emotional changes that come with age and how these can impact our intimate relationships. She offers solutions and strategies to navigate these changes, ensuring readers feel empowered and informed.
The target audience for "Sex for The Third Age" is broad, encompassing anyone over the age of 45 interested in improving their understanding of sexuality as they age. However, it also benefits health care professionals, therapists, and anyone working closely with this demographic.
In "Sex for The Third Age," Patricia Maris opens the door to a conversation many shy away from but is integral to our wellbeing and happiness as we age. It's time to bring this discussion to light, and Maris' book is the perfect guide.
"IQ Eroticism" Patricia Maris is a well-respected Wellness Strategist with an impressive 28-year career dedicated to improving health, fitness, and the overall quality of life for her clients; she brings her unique insights to the realm of sensual wellness in her enlightening book "IQ Eroticism: From the "Nought to Ninety Nine" series (source: Everand, Decitre).
In "IQ Eroticism," Maris uses her extensive experience in the wellness industry to explore the intersection of mental and physical health with our sensual lives. The book delves deep into how we can use knowledge, understanding, and emotional intelligence to enhance our erotic experiences and relationships at any age.
Maris' work stands out due to her unique approach to the topic. Drawing from her wealth of experience in the wellness industry, she provides readers with practical advice and strategies to maintain and enhance their sensual lives, emphasising the integral role of mental wellness in achieving hot health.
"IQ Eroticism" is more than just a book; it's a guide that empowers readers to embrace their sensuality, break down barriers, and achieve a more fulfilling, emotionally balanced life. It's an essential read for anyone interested in exploring the depths of their sensuality and enhancing their overall wellness.
Taking the first step towards mental wellness is challenging, but worthwhile. Don’t struggle alone – reach out today and get the help you need.
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